Friday, March 14, 2014

My Blog is Writing Checks That my Ass Can't Cash

I spent a little time this afternoon updating old blog entries. Checking for grammar, readability, that kinda thing. In doing so, I've noticed that there are a number of entries where I talked about a plan I intended on doing, and it just didn't fall through. There was a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine game I haven' run yet. An Iron Kingdoms game I haven't run yet. A project involving writing adventures for Covert Ops, which I haven't even tried to do. And then, there's the ill-fated "Eight-Game Plan" for which I have run approximately none of those games. If I had named the post "Eight RPGs I'll Never Run Again, for Reasons Varying from I No Longer Like Them to I Don't Want to Work on Them Anymore," then that entry would be dead accurate. Unfortunately, that entry is the exact opposite.

Quite frankly, I fucking HATE this about me. It's something I have done my ENTIRE life, well beyond the tabletop. I get all jazzed up about an idea, I say a bunch of shit that, even as I say it, I know there's little chance of it happening, and sure enough, it doesn't happen. Sometimes it's truly embarrassing how little time it takes me to realize that's not going to happen. Sometimes, I lose the desire to do whatever the hell it is I said I was going to do from the very moment I commit to it, as if the very act of saying "I'm going to do this!" suddenly sucks the motivation right out of me.

I'm 35 years old now. Though I'm definitely not too old to change, it would, at this point in my life, be easier to accept it and work around it than change it. So how do I do that? How do I look someone (even myself) right in the face and say "I love this game. But it's gonna be awhile befor eI ever play it again...if ever." I don't seem to have an ability to get that real. Not to get too far away from the nerdy tabletop fun, but one of my goals in my life right now is to have more self-respect. I want to own who I am, and take responsibility for my actions. That's hard for me to do, as I have habits that end up making me feel the opposite.

Normally, at this point in the blog post, I would come up with a four or five item list of things I'm going to do to help me realize this goal. But I don't want to do that today. The last thing I want to see right now is another blog post with a list of things I was supposed to do on it, that I'll re-read three months from now and think "Ha! Good one, Me Three Months Ago!" So I'll just end it like this: if I promised you, Dear Reader, something that I have not made good on yet? I'm sorry. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I'm not going to tell you when I'll make good...hell, at this point, I can't even tell you IF I'll ever make good on whatever it is I promised...but know that I am as disappointed in myself as you may be. And if you're not disappointed, thank you for being cool. I sincerely hope I can actually make good on something for you, someday.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for the post and for sharing so candidly.

    I've been there (still am frequently). I think the realities of being into gaming as an adult is littered with so many possibilities and not enough time/energy to actually get to all of these. I would provide two pieces of advice that I hope you would find handy:

    1. Don't ever say "I'll do [blah]". Say "It would be great to do [blah]". Just because you're unlikely to carry an idea out it doesn't mean you shouldn't put it to writing. Maybe something comes out of it, maybe nothing will. Remove the obligation from yourself by adding that " would be great if" clause.

    2. This is something I learned in my training as a project manager. Getting things done feels good - these little checkmarks you put next to completed steps. Next time you choose to pursue something - don't think about the end goal in all of its' glorious entirety, but rather break it down into small achievable pieces. "Run Iron Kingdom game" is a much more daunting task than a succession of "learn the rules" - check, "find an adventure to run" - check, "get players" - check, "run game" - check. And be realistic about what you can and can't do - honestly saying to yourself that you will only be able to run the game in two months is waay better than thinking it will happen sooner and failing).

    Don't mean to sound preachy with this, just some things that helped me.

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    1. Thanks for the advice. Both of those things sound quite sensible and smart. I'll give them a try. In the meantime, if you ever see me reverting to old habits here in the blog, check me!

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