Monday, June 30, 2014

Runaway

Yesterday was an awful, awful day. Almost as bad as Saturday. From the moment I awoke to the moment I turned off the lights and went to sleep, I stayed in bed. That sounds worse than it is...see, the room I live in only has space for the bed. There's literally no where else for me to sit. So I sat in bed, did my homework, and played World of Warcraft for about 16 straight hours. I did leave the room, once, to go get some Coke and a haircut.

I've written before about how WoW is my panacea for the blues. Like most aspirins, though, the pain only goes away while I'm under its influence. Now, I sit here at work, staring at my screen, trying to look busy. But underneath the surface, I am overcome with pain and heartbreak. The kind that's so painful all you can do is focus on it, talk about it, obsess over it. I wish I could get over it. Work would actually be a nice distraction for me. But I can't. This little blog entry will in fact be the third massive literary dump I've taken on this subject today alone. I am failing to do anything but be upset. If I had any kind of integrity, I'd walk into my supervisor's office, tell her I need to leave for personal reasons, and go. Truth is, I'm a little scared of going home. All that's waiting there for me is more WoW. And then, after the computer goes off and I lay in the dark, what then?

I don't want to talk about what's troubling me. Not here. I know, that seems to defeat the point of writing here, but I don't. It actually hurts too much. Just know that it's about the same old shit that it's been about since February. Rationally, I get it. It's only been going on since February. I don't know how long it takes to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage and either glue them back together or put them in the trash, but I'm sure it's longer than four months.

What's hard, though, is life in separation. My relationship with my estranged wife is a little like living in a warzone. There are long stretches where nothing bad happens, and it could almost be peaceful. Then the bullets start flying, people get hurt, and the future becomes scary and uncertain. Then time passes, and everything goes back to normal...for a little while, anyway. Maybe just long enough to put your guard down. Rinse and repeat.

Much like the last time I had a mini-breakdown on my blog, I'm not really sure why I'm doing this, or what I'm hoping to achieve. I know some people will read this, and they will be concerned, and I will be grateful for that concern. But if that's all I wanted, a nice, cryptic status update with some quoted lyrics from a Linkin Park song would probably cover it. So I guess I'm looking to clear my own head of all this garbage by writing it down. It hasn't worked yet. But it's all I've got. It's all I know how to do.




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