I, like the 16-year-old boy I am on the inside, have a crush on a girl. This girl, who shall remain nameless, attends the same board gaming meetup on Fridays at the Landing, She is smart. She is funny. She is adorable. Though I am still legally married, my wife and I have been separated since February. She has since gone on to meet other men. Up until I met this girl about a month or two ago, the thought of dating again had never even crossed my mind.
Therein lies part of the problem...I am attracted to this woman, but I don't know if I'm attracted to her enough to get over myself. When the subject comes up between my wife and I (we still talk to each other all the time, and in fact are very good friends), I have said vehemently that I have no interest in meeting anyone new. And, up until I met this girl, I meant it. I am done with women. I am done with relationships. The thought of going back out there...of going through all that "getting to know you shit"...having to relearn all of those lessons with another person...no. Not for me. Not right now, anyway. Maybe not ever.
I know this sounds like a setup for the world's most geeky romantic comedy, but it's not. I mean it. I am an introvert. That's not a label I wear with pride; it's just who I am, and I accept it. I do spend a lot of time alone. I do prefer it this way. The thought of spending the rest of my life unattached sounds good to me (though I'll admit, a little bit lonely).
The truth is, I just don't want to do the whole dating thing right now. Maybe some day, but I'm not ready right now. So what do I do in the meantime? Ignore her? Play it cool? Stop going to the Landing? This whole thing is so stupid...I don't even know if she's single. I don't even know if she would be interested. Everything is so fucking confusing.
(Man, I do sound like a teenager, which is just making me more frustrated.)
Here's another thing...I've never had a romantic relationship with a woman who was into the same things I am into. I can barely even conceive of what that looks like. Don't get me wrong...my wife and I have some great nerd memories. The first movie we saw together was X-Men. We have often played Perfect Dark for hours on end. She absolutely adores Dixit, and will play it just about any chance she gets. But she's not into RPGs, and she has certainly tried. And, Dixit not withstanding, she doesn't like any board games any heavier than the classic mainstream stuff like Monopoly or Clue. Whenever this particular subject came up between us, I always said that's how I preferred it. I liked how she made me a more well-rounded person. I liked how she made me take my nose out of an RPG, turn off the computer, and just do something different every so often. She made me feel like a complete human being. I'm not saying that couples who share the same hobbies don't do that...I just felt like having different interests made for a more interesting, diverse relationship between us.
Seeing as how we're separated now, maybe I was wrong. Maybe everything I know about relationships and love and all that shit is wrong. Maybe that's all the more reason to remain alone.
Anyways, I thought I'd write all these foolish, tangled-up emotions down in a desperate attempt to straighten them out. I don't know if it worked. In fact I'm just feeling more depressed about it than I was before I started. If my wife were reading this, she would tell me that's a good thing. Feeling something isn't bad. Sometimes, feelings just need to be felt.