Fifteen years later, my estranged wife is in Colorado, starting over again, and I remain here in D.C. And the loneliness is there in the back of my mind, always gnawing, always scratching at the walls of my brain like a rat. I get home from work, and that loneliness says "What now?" I watch a TV show while I eat dinner. I finish the show, and, again, it asks "What now?" I go on the internet for a bit. Facebook. CNET. Whatever. "What now?"
Then, I lie in bed. That's the hard part. Alone, in the dark, just me, the ceiling fan, and that little voice saying "What now? What now? What now? You have to do something. You can't just lay there."
My therapist, she tells me I need to feel that loneliness to get over it. And so I have. And it crushes me. It's literally brought me to my knees a couple of times since she left. It's only been a few weeks. I'm patient. It could take many more weeks...months, even...before that voice finally shuts the hell up. I'm confident it will, though.
In the meantime, when I feel like I can't take it anymore, I rally. I do this by focusing on three things: my job, my friendships, and my hobbies. The first one is simple: I wake up. I get dressed. I go to work. I come home. Rinse and repeat. The second one is being served right now with my vlog. It's a chance to connect with the people who make up my world.
But this right here? This is my blog, and it's all about the third one.
Last weekend, I played Star Wars: Edge of the Empire, and a few boardgames, Fame and Fortune, and Imperial Settlers. This weekend, I'm going to play Dungeons & Dragons, Zombie 15, and a whole bunch of other stuff thanks to the three-day. I do this with my friends, and it makes me happy. And that happiness helps me combat the loneliness. It helps me answer the question "What now?" with "Whatever the hell I want. Go fuck yourself."
This blog was once a place where I obsessed about my hobbies all the live-long day. I abandoned it for awhile, when this was all going down and I couldn't focus enough to care about anything. I realize now, though, that I must in fact do the opposite: I should write more, not less, and the nerdier and weirder and more obscure, the better. It's not good to hide behind your interests all the time, but oftentimes it's necessary to take a break from the pain of living in the moment. And thus that is what I shall do. The blog will live on, and I will continue to fail forward.