Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Tuesday Morning Pity Party

My matches are going about the same as they always do...roughly 50/50. Win some, lose some. Some are close; others are not.

The grind in the ol' Win Factory is getting to me, today. It's getting to me on several levels. On one level, I am So. Fucking. Tired. Of getting on teams where clearly only me and one, maybe two other players are actually trying, and the rest of the team is either actively throwing or just plain terrible. I told a Hanzo to go fuck himself this morning after I discovered, at the end of the first round, that as a healer I had Silver (second highest) in eliminations on a team with four killers and a single tank. We won that match, but only because the other team somehow proved to be even more inept than us.

On another level, I'm also really tired of my own attitude. I told another human being to go fuck himself because he was having a bad round in a videogame I was playing. Every loss makes me salty about something; every win has me looking at the reasons we almost didn't win. I write whole blog entries navel-gazing at my salty tears when I go on a losing streak. I've often wondered if I'm obsessed with Overwatch. I'm not. I'm obsessed with failure.

I try to make myself care about winning, but my instinct is to merely care about not losing. I'd much rather be the worst member of a winning team than the MVP of a losing one. I think a lot of people may say that, but I mean it on an emotional level almost beyond my comprehension. It makes my brain (and my heart) ache, when I crawl so deep into that space in my head after a stinging loss, to try and work with the wires that are powering the signals everything sucks, you suck, you should quit, this isn't worth it. I want to rewire those signals to say who cares? Re-up! I do get there, eventually, but that impulse is a strong one. And the depression that follows is constant and highly effective.

I have several obstacles in my path to Git Gud. But the biggest one, by far, is depression. I'm not sure how athletes/professional competitors manage depression. I'm not sure if depression is a condition one can compete with. I have no natural talent or other advantages to aid me in this journey; just my love of Overwatch, which has been steadily waning over the past two weeks, in light of recent losing streaks and my tepid feelings about OWL.

Anyone in my own life that I'd bring these thoughts to would probably tell me it's time for a break from Overwatch. But I don't trust that reasoning at face value. As I wrote about in the last pity party, what if this is an obstacle that all competitors face? What if self-doubt is a part of the journey? What if I'm just trying to convince myself to quit and move onto something else, like I've done my entire life with nearly everything I like and try to get good at?

The other side of the coin, however, is "what if I'm just destined for failure?" That sounds like pathetic loser talk, but here's the thing: I've got a good life. I've got great family, people to love, freedom. The whole nine. What do I stand to gain out of playing Overwatch so competitively? Where am I looking to go with this? Do I have to obsess over and eventually turn my back on everything? Can't I just enjoy a thing and not let it consume me?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I trust virtually no one's advice on this topic, either. It is a lonely path.

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